My husband asked me tonight if I was excited that I am almost done with my schooling. All I could answer was, “Um, yeah. But scared.” Is that the reaction that I am supposed to have? Aren’t I supposed to be really excited and happy about this? I feel like I have been waiting for this for a long time and now that it is almost here,(January), I am absolutely terrified.
Why am I terrified you ask? Well, a number of reasons really. There is always the fear of not being good at what you went to school for. Having to be out on your own making it work. In my industry that has a very direct effect on your income, so that is also a fear. I am scared about finding a schedule that works for my family. Daycare is so expensive and my husband will have classes during the day so I have no idea what we are going to do about that. And not to mention Judah’s doctor’s appointments. How many days of work can you miss for that? How understanding will the employer be? Will the daycare provider charge more for Judah’s special needs in feeding and PT? Will I be able to find a job when we move next year and then when we come back? Those are just a few of the musings running through my head. I realized that most of my concerns have to do with the kids. I never thought about this stuff before now. Usually when my husband and I moved it wasn’t a big deal. But now there is a lot more to think about.
I’m sure most if not all of the working moms out there can relate. As much as my 3 1/2 year old can get on my nerves I think I am going to miss them, a lot! I need my mommy breaks just like the next person but I honestly think that is one reason why I am scared- is to be leaving them in the hands of someone else. When I worked before right after we had our daughter it bothered me a little bit that she was in daycare. I felt like I missed out on things and that she didn’t see me enough. Now with two little ones I think that guilt has doubled. I like being able to go to school with my daughter and field trips and things. I never miss one of Judah’s doctors appointments. I have to be there and get the information first hand, otherwise I feel like I miss out on important developmental tips for him. They are so young and I feel like I need to be there.
I know other people do it. There are a lot of working parents out there that do this. I guess I am reaching out to you and asking, “How do you do it?” I know God will walk us through this and come up with the best situation for our family and I will just have to let go and give it up to him. But I still want to know from all of you, how do you do it? Does the guilt out weigh the paycheck? Do the little things you miss with your kids out weigh the interactions you have with other people?
I’m not saying that I am not going to work. I will try to get a schedule that works with my family the best that I can. Whether that be nights and weekends again, I will do it. All I am asking is how do you cope with the guilt of not always being there? If you couldn’t tell I am kind of a control freak when it comes to information about my family. I always have to know what is going on and every little detail of what they are doing. In the end I will give it up to God and make whatever he sets before me work for our family as a whole. There just might be some tears in the process!
